Terminal Petulance

3 weeks ago I was setting the world on fire with my big plans and dreams and choices.

Less than 1 week ago I was laying in a hospital bed with wires and tubes and needles coming out of my body.  I managed to remember the first 8 medicines they gave me....after that I lost count.  I knew my fever was sky high and could see my vital signs on the monitor, blood pressure through the roof, pulse over a 100 even when I didn't move for hours.  People having to help me do any tiny thing, even just to take a piss in a bed.  (How I envied those who went potty alone!)  The most real moment was when one doctor was hopeful that surgery would save me...I asked another doctor what would happen if I refused surgery, he told me I would die.  No more choices!  I internally laughed at this, cause a week ago I was making big choices....now just tiny ones!    Life was a blur of shivering and being dragged down a hall for x-rays and CT scans.  But I was really calm.  God was talking to me, but not words.  I was shown who I am.  I saw the spiritual implications of the decisions I have made.   At the end I can only decide who I am and if that is all I am responsible for...then I was confident in where I was going.  I thought of my wife and my kids and I smiled and waited and while I waited my petulant nature died.  In every moment I didn't know what the next 24 hours would bring but I knew I was loved for who I have chosen to be.  I am known to God.

We all have buckets of love, I know mine is overflowing.  But only because I choose (present tense) to fix the holes.  Nothing can fill us up when we have holes in our bucket.  Imagine approaching Niagara Falls with a bucket full of holes then shaking your fist as you walk away that your bucket was still empty!!!  Insane...but that is what we do and God is much bigger than a waterfall.  So chose who you want to be and be it!  We get to be anything...and its great!  But as long as we are leaking, and I do have some leaks of my own, we are going to have moments when we feel empty.  If we aren't willing to go to God and admit our bucket is broken, how can we also bitch to him when it isn't full?