co-opting the rhetoric of the Godly

It's been a strange day.  This week I managed to locate a blueberry place open on Tuesdays, and off we went in a caravan.  Myself, 4 mothers (2 pregnant) , 9 children.  I confess to being in one of my worse moods and as such I was grumpy with the kids as I gave them each instructions.  I presumed that sensing my mood they would mostly stick with their mothers, but I was wrong.  They followed me through the thickest blueberry patch I had ever seen, bushes planted too close together and poorly trimmed.  It felt more like a thicket.  And while the mother's stuck to the periphery, the children and I squeezed our way into the middle where all the good berries were.  

For an hour, about every 90 seconds my brain automatically paused and recounted my sheep and called the names of the ones farthest away to come closer or chided the ones throwing sticks or pointed out more berries within the reach of the shorter ones.  At some point my brain registered an anomaly...I was counting an extra child.  I quickly counted again and realized I had picked up a 2 year old latino girl who wanted to be with my group.  There wasn't much I could do so I just watched out for her too and assumed somebody would come look for her after a while.  Indeed after about 15 minutes a woman began to frantically call out in spanish from what seemed an acre away "My baby girl where are you?".  Funny thing is that while I would have been able to understand what this woman was saying even if I didn't know any spanish...she was too frantic and upset to understand my replies in either language.  So with my gaggle in tow I carried the little child toward the sound of the frantic voice.  I felt for the woman during her 5 minutes of panic while I was working to get so many children through the bushes to return her missing babe...but sometimes miracles take time.

For the record I have always felt that the greatest miracle is the softening of heart, the abundance of forgiveness, the calm within the storm.  Sometimes pain, worry and panic are part of the process by which we learn the value of these things....afterall is not the lesson of faith born upon the back of doubt?  God hears our pleas and he is operating for our good, even when all we see around us are bushes....even when our cries of pain drown out the sound of his reassurances.  Sometimes he is trying to tell us exactly where our missing things are and we are too frightened to hear.  Continue to practice hearing the sound of his voice I Kings 19.11  we all have days in the wilderness when we are desperate for that very sound.

Terminal Petulance

3 weeks ago I was setting the world on fire with my big plans and dreams and choices.

Less than 1 week ago I was laying in a hospital bed with wires and tubes and needles coming out of my body.  I managed to remember the first 8 medicines they gave me....after that I lost count.  I knew my fever was sky high and could see my vital signs on the monitor, blood pressure through the roof, pulse over a 100 even when I didn't move for hours.  People having to help me do any tiny thing, even just to take a piss in a bed.  (How I envied those who went potty alone!)  The most real moment was when one doctor was hopeful that surgery would save me...I asked another doctor what would happen if I refused surgery, he told me I would die.  No more choices!  I internally laughed at this, cause a week ago I was making big choices....now just tiny ones!    Life was a blur of shivering and being dragged down a hall for x-rays and CT scans.  But I was really calm.  God was talking to me, but not words.  I was shown who I am.  I saw the spiritual implications of the decisions I have made.   At the end I can only decide who I am and if that is all I am responsible for...then I was confident in where I was going.  I thought of my wife and my kids and I smiled and waited and while I waited my petulant nature died.  In every moment I didn't know what the next 24 hours would bring but I knew I was loved for who I have chosen to be.  I am known to God.

We all have buckets of love, I know mine is overflowing.  But only because I choose (present tense) to fix the holes.  Nothing can fill us up when we have holes in our bucket.  Imagine approaching Niagara Falls with a bucket full of holes then shaking your fist as you walk away that your bucket was still empty!!!  Insane...but that is what we do and God is much bigger than a waterfall.  So chose who you want to be and be it!  We get to be anything...and its great!  But as long as we are leaking, and I do have some leaks of my own, we are going to have moments when we feel empty.  If we aren't willing to go to God and admit our bucket is broken, how can we also bitch to him when it isn't full?